Okay, normally I don’t like to add commentary to my recipes because there is nothing more annoying than trying to look up a recipe and having to read through 15 paragraphs of someone’s life story before getting to the goods. With this one though, I think we need a bit of commentary…
Long story short, I bribed my way into a group chat, a challenge to make a cake was casually mentioned. Me, being me, took it way too seriously and created this epic meat cake.
The inspiration for this cake was this tshirt that I purchased on Amazon. A full representation of my food pyramid in one cake!
For the cake layer molds I used a ramekin, a large mug, and a slightly smaller mug lined with parchment paper but if you have cake pans, I recommend using those instead.
Each layer is basically a meatloaf, you could add seasonings, cheese, pork rinds, whatever you like to make your meatloaf tasty. I was trying to keep each step simple since the entirety of the cake is quite… elaborate…
Layer 1 (Bottom)
Cake: 1lb ground beef, 1 egg white
Filling: 2 oz stilton & 2 oz cream cheese
Icing: noodle fondant
Decor: 2oz fried cheddar cheese collar
Layer 2 (Middle)
Cake: 1/2lb ground pork, 1 egg white
Filling: sausage gravy
Icing: 8oz cream cheese and 8oz butter buttercream
Decor: 4 slices of bacon shingles
Layer 3 (Top)
Cake: 1/2lb ground chicken, 1 egg white
Filling: 2 oz plain greek yogurt and 2 egg salad
Decor: crispy egg bits
For the cake layers:
Preheat oven to 350F
Assemble meat loaf mixes:
Beef: 1lb lean ground beef and 1 egg white, salt to taste
Pork: 1/2 lb country pork sausage and 1 egg white, salt to taste
Chicken: ½ lb ground chicken and 1 egg white, salt to taste
Each mix should make 2 layers, so you may need to bake these in two rounds
Bake at 350F for 30 minutes or until the internal temperature reaches 165F
Allow to cool completely and level the cakes as necessary
For the fillings:
Beat cream cheese until softened and gently fold in crumbled stilton (don’t beat them together or your filling will have a weird green tinge throughout… ask me how I know this… go ahead… ask me…)
Make sausage gravy (please note, you kind of want this thick enough to set in a solid layer so adjust moisture level as needed)
Hardboil 2 eggs, chop finely, salt to taste and add 2 oz plain greek yogurt, mix til well combined (note - you don’t want this to be too “wet” since it will ooze out of your cake (ask me how I know… go ahead… ask me…)
For the frosting
Beat together 8 oz of cream cheese and butter til well combined and fluffy
Lightly frost the beef and chicken cakes and refrigerate (this will make adding the hollandaise and fondant layers much easier later)
Heavily frost the pork cake and add the bacon strips before the frosting sets
For the decor:
Fondant: make carnivore noodles, only refrigerate long enough so that the noodle is cooled and the parchment paper peels away easily, lay over the top of the cake, cutting away excess and pressing edges together as needed to wrap around the sides. Refrigerate before adding the collar
Cheese collar: shred cheddar cheese and lay into a loose rectangle the width of your cake on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, bake at 350F for 5-7 minutes until crisp and edges start to brown. Once slightly cooled but still moldable, cut one edge lengthwise so you have a straight edge on the bottom of the collar. Wrap the collar around the cake, pressing gently into the fondant. (If you are nervous about the collar staying in place, you can wrap parchment paper around the collar, secure with twine, and refrigerate so the collar)
Cut bacon rashers in half lengthwise and place on a lined baking sheet. Bake at 350F for 20 minutes, flipping halfway through til bacon is crispy. Allow to cool. Cut bacon to the height of the cake and press into the freshly frosted pork cake.
Make hollandaise and allow to cool to room temp before pouring over the chicken cake
Make slutty eggs and use the crispy egg bits to top the cake
Stack the layers, bask in the glory of the monstrosity you have created, then eat it.
Easy as pie! Or, should I say - cake?
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